Carsenio St. Hubbins loves the holidays. So many of his greatest triumphs have taken place during this time of year. One year he was able to donate an old car that used to be his to an underpriviledged family in his neighborhood. All he had to do was track down the dishonest illegal immigrant he sold it to, have him deported and take possession of the car to make it happen. The details have been preserved in The Adventures of St. Hubbins Part I: The Christmas Lemon. The next year he decided to spread holiday cheer around his neighborhood by sharing some of his favorite Christmas carols with those not of his belief system. He was irritated that so few Christmas songs can be played in public places for fear of offending someone who doesn't believe in Jesus. Rather than violently lash out at these people, all he did was do some solo caroling at their doorstep. Among the casualties of that evening were an environmentalist couple who didn't like his rendition of "O Christmas Tree," a grumpy old Jewish couple who didn't like his rendition of "Have a Holly Jolly Christmas", and a gay couple who literally knocked themselves out to his rendition of "Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer." There were other tunes sung that night, but Carsenio doesn't wish to bore you. A touching detail of that evening is captured in The Adventures of St. Hubbins Part II: The Caroler. It by no means is offensive to any minority, assuming that minority lives in St. Hubbins' land of make-believe. The past two years he has celebrated the season by inciting riots in various shopping establishments by pushing the limits of supply and demand. His first year of trying this he created bedlam at the grocery store he was employed at by deliberately withholding holiday turkeys during busy periods then putting several pallets out at one time. The rush of people scrapping and fighting for the best bird created quite the adrenaline rush for Carsenio St. Hubbins. He was able to prove that given the proper circumstances, rational human beings could be turned into animals. The next year, being so fedup with materialistic holiday shoppers, he created a stampede at a local retailer by leading shoppers to believe several pallets of the hard to get video game consol of the season were going to be stocked in the store's glassware department. When everything was said and done, the broken glass on the floor glimmered in the flourescent lighting like moonlight shining upon a freshly fallen snow. The exciting details of these blessed events are captured in The Adventures of St. Hubbins Part IV: Welcome to the Holiday Jungle.
Having such an illustrious history of illuminating holiday exploits already recorded in his Book of Remembrance, Carsenio St. Hubbins is left to ponder what he can do this year to keep pace with years past. What can he do to meet or exceed the high standard of deviousness he has come to expect from himself? After so many holiday shopping tragedies in the news, he is reluctant to start another shopping riot this year. Besides, he feels he has already been there and done that- he wants a challenge. He has considered something involving giving or taking from the homeless, but feels it is something he should probably leave to someone less distinguished. In all his holiday exploits, there has been a certain amount of class exhibited as he went about offending the offendable. He has also considered putting up an elaborate Christmas light display on his house using extension cords to plug it into the power outlets of one of his neighbors he doesn't care for. He is thinking he could call the story How Long Until They Notice? He really is in a pickle this year, and he really doesn't like pickles. One area he really hasn't messed with yet is New Years, but how to mess with everyone's clocks so nobody knows when the New Year actually begins? Can you imagine an hour of pots clanging, crowds singing, partygoers kissing everything in sight and various municipalities doing their fireworks displays at different times? St. Hubbins can- he's going to look into it, once he gets a good pair of earplugs.
If you have any ideas or suggestions feel free to share them with St. Hubbins. He promises that while he will take credit for your idea, you will receive treasures in Heaven for your generosity this holiday season.
Be assured- when the moment strikes him and he makes his move this year, you will be the first to hear about it. Hopefully you won't be among the ones who experience it. In the meantime, Season's Greetings- oh and stay away from a certain big box store located in a certain location at a certain time- Carsenio may have a certain something brewing just in time of the holidays.
Wednesday, December 10, 2008
Sunday, November 30, 2008
An Intimate Welcome From Carsenio St. Hubbins
Good day friends, Matt Macey here. For a blog that was setup several months ago, Carsenio St. Hubbins has finally gotten around to sending me the manuscript of his "Intimate Welcome" as he entitled it. It was written on several napkins using a Sharpie marker. More will be written about his use of Sharpies in future entries. You may find it odd it took him so long to get this started but it would be a mistake to question the methodology of Carsenio St. Hubbins. Everything he does is deliberate, even those things you might consider to be accidental. As for the manuscript, since it was written on napkins using a Sharpie you can imagine how difficult it was to read, especially since Carsenio writes extremely small. Between the tendency for the ink to bleed into the paper and the instances where he wrote around the globules of food and sauces that were prevalent on the napkins, it was by no means easy to translate the text. For historic posterity, it is my intent as abridger of St. Hubbins' record to provide photographic evidence of the original manuscripts in due time. First, because I want you to all know how difficult it was to transcribe, and two, so that history buffs can see the originals in the event St. Hubbins fulfils his destiny and becomes a crucial yet volatile element in the annals of history. The originals may one day become valuable keepsakes assuming the mold from the rotting food on the napkins doesn't overtake the writing as the years go by. Without further delay, here is his intimate welcome:
"An Intimate Welcome from Me, Carsenio St. Hubbins dated Sunday November 30th in the Year of Our Lord 2008. To those who visit my blog to read more about me and my doings in these turbulent times, I offer you a most intimate welcome. I wanted to include the word intimate because I believe such a word promotes intimacy in some strange way. I want you to feel like you are sitting with me in a private setting hearing me read these words straight from the soiled napkins I wrote them on. Perhaps the private setting could include candlelight and light chamber music. Then again, in order to be true to my character, I would replace the candlelight with firelight (due to many things in the room being lit on fire) and replace the chamber music with Iron Maiden which in and of itself it is chamber music if you consider an iron maiden a chamber (technically it was, only it was used for torture). In that intimate setting you would hear the warmth of my voice as I gave the explanation of how I need to replace the candlelight and chamber music. You would see the firelight reflect off my aviator sunglasses and the orange glow of fire radiating off my black mullet. You would see the black Van Halen T-Shirt from their 1993 tour I would be wearing slowly rotting away in front of your very eyes. You would smell my black Van Halen T-Shirt from their 1993 tour too, as I dare not wash it for fear it will disintegrate. I believe the bacteria may be what is holding the shirt together. You may catch a whiff of a Sharpie Marker mingled with the smells of Crown Burger, Carsenio St. Hubbins' burger joint of choice. You would no doubt see many partially used napkins adorning the scene, many of which may have been used to start the fire which by now has spread around the room. You would hear me refer to myself in third person again and again because that is one thing Carsenio St. Hubbins does, refer to himself in third person. Perhaps if the moment struck itself right St. Hubbins might sing you a song as the fire abiently burns. Lastly you may hear the song end with a reverberating belch as the Crown Burger I ate opts to offer its own intimate greeting to you. Oh the possibilities, oh what might of been. Unfortunately we're not able to be in that intimate setting, so I hope wherever you are, you feel the warmth, hear the music and smell the smells which signify my presence. Hopefully opportunity will offer each of you the chance to meet with me in such a setting in the future. It has been a very busy several months for Carsenio St. Hubbins. Between the grandeur that is everyday life for me, I have also been embroiled in political discourse, active in social restoration and rocking out most gloriously. May you all enjoy this blog and commit yourself to the excellence it stands for. Yours most triumphantly, Carsenio St. Hubbins"
"An Intimate Welcome from Me, Carsenio St. Hubbins dated Sunday November 30th in the Year of Our Lord 2008. To those who visit my blog to read more about me and my doings in these turbulent times, I offer you a most intimate welcome. I wanted to include the word intimate because I believe such a word promotes intimacy in some strange way. I want you to feel like you are sitting with me in a private setting hearing me read these words straight from the soiled napkins I wrote them on. Perhaps the private setting could include candlelight and light chamber music. Then again, in order to be true to my character, I would replace the candlelight with firelight (due to many things in the room being lit on fire) and replace the chamber music with Iron Maiden which in and of itself it is chamber music if you consider an iron maiden a chamber (technically it was, only it was used for torture). In that intimate setting you would hear the warmth of my voice as I gave the explanation of how I need to replace the candlelight and chamber music. You would see the firelight reflect off my aviator sunglasses and the orange glow of fire radiating off my black mullet. You would see the black Van Halen T-Shirt from their 1993 tour I would be wearing slowly rotting away in front of your very eyes. You would smell my black Van Halen T-Shirt from their 1993 tour too, as I dare not wash it for fear it will disintegrate. I believe the bacteria may be what is holding the shirt together. You may catch a whiff of a Sharpie Marker mingled with the smells of Crown Burger, Carsenio St. Hubbins' burger joint of choice. You would no doubt see many partially used napkins adorning the scene, many of which may have been used to start the fire which by now has spread around the room. You would hear me refer to myself in third person again and again because that is one thing Carsenio St. Hubbins does, refer to himself in third person. Perhaps if the moment struck itself right St. Hubbins might sing you a song as the fire abiently burns. Lastly you may hear the song end with a reverberating belch as the Crown Burger I ate opts to offer its own intimate greeting to you. Oh the possibilities, oh what might of been. Unfortunately we're not able to be in that intimate setting, so I hope wherever you are, you feel the warmth, hear the music and smell the smells which signify my presence. Hopefully opportunity will offer each of you the chance to meet with me in such a setting in the future. It has been a very busy several months for Carsenio St. Hubbins. Between the grandeur that is everyday life for me, I have also been embroiled in political discourse, active in social restoration and rocking out most gloriously. May you all enjoy this blog and commit yourself to the excellence it stands for. Yours most triumphantly, Carsenio St. Hubbins"
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