St. Hubbins' Plans for the Holidays

Carsenio St. Hubbins loves the holidays. So many of his greatest triumphs have taken place during this time of year. One year he was able to donate an old car that used to be his to an underpriviledged family in his neighborhood. All he had to do was track down the dishonest illegal immigrant he sold it to, have him deported and take possession of the car to make it happen. The details have been preserved in The Adventures of St. Hubbins Part I: The Christmas Lemon. The next year he decided to spread holiday cheer around his neighborhood by sharing some of his favorite Christmas carols with those not of his belief system. He was irritated that so few Christmas songs can be played in public places for fear of offending someone who doesn't believe in Jesus. Rather than violently lash out at these people, all he did was do some solo caroling at their doorstep. Among the casualties of that evening were an environmentalist couple who didn't like his rendition of "O Christmas Tree," a grumpy old Jewish couple who didn't like his rendition of "Have a Holly Jolly Christmas", and a gay couple who literally knocked themselves out to his rendition of "Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer." There were other tunes sung that night, but Carsenio doesn't wish to bore you. A touching detail of that evening is captured in The Adventures of St. Hubbins Part II: The Caroler. It by no means is offensive to any minority, assuming that minority lives in St. Hubbins' land of make-believe. The past two years he has celebrated the season by inciting riots in various shopping establishments by pushing the limits of supply and demand. His first year of trying this he created bedlam at the grocery store he was employed at by deliberately withholding holiday turkeys during busy periods then putting several pallets out at one time. The rush of people scrapping and fighting for the best bird created quite the adrenaline rush for Carsenio St. Hubbins. He was able to prove that given the proper circumstances, rational human beings could be turned into animals. The next year, being so fedup with materialistic holiday shoppers, he created a stampede at a local retailer by leading shoppers to believe several pallets of the hard to get video game consol of the season were going to be stocked in the store's glassware department. When everything was said and done, the broken glass on the floor glimmered in the flourescent lighting like moonlight shining upon a freshly fallen snow. The exciting details of these blessed events are captured in The Adventures of St. Hubbins Part IV: Welcome to the Holiday Jungle.
Having such an illustrious history of illuminating holiday exploits already recorded in his Book of Remembrance, Carsenio St. Hubbins is left to ponder what he can do this year to keep pace with years past. What can he do to meet or exceed the high standard of deviousness he has come to expect from himself? After so many holiday shopping tragedies in the news, he is reluctant to start another shopping riot this year. Besides, he feels he has already been there and done that- he wants a challenge. He has considered something involving giving or taking from the homeless, but feels it is something he should probably leave to someone less distinguished. In all his holiday exploits, there has been a certain amount of class exhibited as he went about offending the offendable. He has also considered putting up an elaborate Christmas light display on his house using extension cords to plug it into the power outlets of one of his neighbors he doesn't care for. He is thinking he could call the story How Long Until They Notice? He really is in a pickle this year, and he really doesn't like pickles. One area he really hasn't messed with yet is New Years, but how to mess with everyone's clocks so nobody knows when the New Year actually begins? Can you imagine an hour of pots clanging, crowds singing, partygoers kissing everything in sight and various municipalities doing their fireworks displays at different times? St. Hubbins can- he's going to look into it, once he gets a good pair of earplugs.
If you have any ideas or suggestions feel free to share them with St. Hubbins. He promises that while he will take credit for your idea, you will receive treasures in Heaven for your generosity this holiday season.
Be assured- when the moment strikes him and he makes his move this year, you will be the first to hear about it. Hopefully you won't be among the ones who experience it. In the meantime, Season's Greetings- oh and stay away from a certain big box store located in a certain location at a certain time- Carsenio may have a certain something brewing just in time of the holidays.