From the Archives of St. Hubbins Volume 1

Recently an unfinished document written around the time of Halloween 2010 was discovered and relayed to me (Matt Macey) by our beloved friend St. Hubbins. While it is not anywhere near Halloween, I was authorized to release this lost volume from the St. Hubbins Archives. It is incomplete and gratefully I was given what to say on a very large napkin. The Sharpie ink was still fresh from the hand of the man himself. Enjoy!

"Carsenio St. Hubbins is a solitary fellow. He's never been one to linger in one place for long; he is restless. Although he doesn't appear in person very often, it doesn't mean he hides out in one place. He has an impressive portfolio of real estate holdings dotting the land, which he moves between at various times of the year. His main compound, called "Hubbinswood," is a safe haven located in a yet to be disclosed rural setting away from the hustle and bustle of the city. He also has a compound in Colorado City, Arizona which he uses to scientifically observe Polygamists in their native habitat.

To blend in, St. Hubbins has had to keep the exteriors of the various buildings on the property unfinished in order to fit with the other seemingly unfinished buildings in the town. He affectionately calls the property "Carsenio's Tax Shelter," as it turns out the unfinished building look in the town is the natives' way to evade taxes. As the photo below demonstrates, fitting in has forced him to alter his wardrobe significantly and to alter his mullet to a grey pioneer style hairdo to blend in. St Hubbins finds it an enjoyable place to film his own BBC-style documentary "St. Hubbins Amongst the Polygamists" which will be coming soon to a station near you. Fortunately his presence among them has so far gone undetected and his facial hair sadly fit right in with the other women in town. He has grown tired of being hit on by Warren Jeffs, but that is another story altogether.

Recently, Carsenio St. Hubbins emerged from his solitary existence to make his annual Halloween appearance. Onlookers noticed his trademark unkempt mullet, aviator sunglasses, red bandanna, well worn Van Halen concert T-Shirt and his black guitar. This year though, many noticed that St. Hubbins arms were covered with tattoos. Could it be that St. Hubbins got ink?
Not exactly.
Carsenio St. Hubbins has been faced with a moral dilemma for some time - he could attempt to be a non-inked wannabe butt rocker or be a more legit looking wannabe butt rocker by sporting ink. One thing is unequivocal in his moral code: he is not a proponent of putting permanent marks on his body. He was once quoted referring to himself in third-person as saying, "Carsenio St. Hubbins is not a proponent of putting permanent marks on his body- it is an unequivocal statute of his moral code." St. Hubbins did however acknowledge that those who sport ink have more legitimacy in looking like butt rockers than those who don't. His exact quote was , "St. Hubbins acknowledges that those who sport ink have more legitimacy in looking like butt rockers than those who don't." To aid his legitimacy, he attempted to give himself temporary ink by using his beloved Sharpie magic markers, but found it difficult to ink those hard to reach places on the back of his arms. Believing himself to be a clever artist, St. Hubbins didn't dare let someone else color on him lest they color outside the lines and make him look childish. Likewise, he didn't feel like he could afford temporary tattoos as he was flat out of quarters when he walked by the vending machine that sold them. Besides, he didn't feel like Spongebob Squarepants or Elmo temporary tats would have helped him look legitimate had he been able to buy them. Imagine his relief when he found out about a way to have the look without the permanent inking!

Carsenio St. Hubbins will be forever grateful to his beautiful fiancee' (now his wife) who told him about a revolution in temporary tattooing. As it turns out, you can go to a costume store and buy mesh sleeves with tattoo imprints on them. St. Hubbins had no idea this kind of technology existed! He was elated to say the least. In his own words, "Carsenio St. Hubbins is elated to say the least!" All he had to do was put the sleeves on and bam- he had rock credibility in a way he never had before.

His joy was short lived, however, when the sleeves kept rolling up. It was an exercise in high maintenance to keep his ink from getting crinkled up. Looking at his wrinkled sleeves at one point, St. Hubbins said, "Look at these blumin' tats, St. Hubbins' arms look like the arms of a tattooed old woman who went saggy and wrinkly." On top of the constant rolling up, Carsenio found the mesh sleeves an irritant to his sensitive skin. He figures he lost a thousand or so arm hairs that night as well- some of which are still embedded in the fibers of the mesh that turned out to be not so revolutionary as he thought. "Revolting is a more fitting word, not revolutionary," Carsenio said.

St. Hubbins believes tattoos are a mistake- they are so permanent. He acknowledges that not all people feel the same way he does. He was quoted as saying, "St. Hubbins acknowledges that not all people feel the same way St. Hubbins does about tattoos. Some find great joy in them and I wish those people the very best when they realize it was a huge mistake later in life and want to get them removed." Carsenio also believes fake tattoos like the sleeves he bought are a mistake. "It's all fine and good when you first get the fake ink- you feel cool and empowered and you don't have to use a laser to take them off at the end of the night. Then the sleeves roll up and pinch your skin, rip your arm hair off and turn your furry arms into smooth un-Hubbinish appendages. These things should not be!"

Perhaps someday the technology will exist to create a fake tattoo sleeve that is not made of a skin irritant. Until that time, Carsenio St. Hubbins will continue to roll without ink. He only hopes that he will continue to be respected and feared as a legitimate rock powerhouse without having to get ink to give himself more credibility. Until next time, St. Hubbins shall return to Carsenio's Tax Shelter in Colorado City and see what the natives are up to without Warren Jeffs around. This may well prove fascinating!"

Catching up with St. Hubbins

When last we left Carsenio St. Hubbins in September of last year, he was plotting the extermination of all pigeons in an effort to have a shinier car. He can hardly believe it has been nearly a year since he last posted his thoughts on this page. When reminded of his lack of posting on this blog, Carsenio very nearly said "shame on me" but then he remembered he doesn't believe in shame.
Getting back to the Shiny Car Initiative, St. Hubbins has not pursued any of his plans for pigeon eradication. He may one day move forward with his scheme, but for now he is going to put it on the back burner. Rather, he has opted to brief us with a list of what he has been doing the past several months:

"What I Have Been Doing the Past Several Months
by Carsenio St. Hubbins

• Rocked out hardcore! (October 2009)
• Traveled to Alaska to feed on Salmon and build up enough fat and protein to carry me through the winter as step 1 of my Hibernation Initiative. (October 2009)
• Dressed up like Matt Macey for Halloween- people told me I looked so clever with my short hair wig, pastel colored Polo shirt, jeans and New Balance trail running sneakers. (October 2009)
• Rocked out hardcore! (November 2009)
• Experienced sore joints due to excessive weight gain caused by massive salmon consumption the month previous. Took two Advil for the pain. (November 2009)
• Ate lots of Turkey at Thanksgiving in hopes the Tryptophan would bring on drowsiness, enabling me to enact step 2 of my Hibernation Initiative. Step 2 was listed as "Hibernate" (November 2009)
• Still awake on the day after Thanksgiving, avoided all the retail stores while plotting my next Holiday adventure. (November 2009)
• Rocked out hardcore!! (December 2009)
• Attended counseling with a Failed Hibernation Specialist who helped me realize being awake through the winter might actually be good for me. (December 2009)
• Wished for Peace on Earth and Goodwill to all Men (December 2009)
• Celebrated Christmas in a very Christian way at the local Jewish Community Center (December 2009)
• Decided to also celebrate Christmas at the local Mosque (December 2009)
• Celebrated New Years while in hiding from Islamic Extremists who were unhappy with my gift of a Christmas Tree to the local cleric. (January 2010)
• Rocked out hardcore in an undisclosed location!!! (January 2010)
• Emerged from hiding after arranging for a cartoon that was very complementary of the Prophet Mohammed to be published in a Dutch newspaper. (February 2010)
  
• Celebrated "Single Awareness Day" on February 14th by rocking out hardcore!!!! (February 2010)
• Contemplated getting snow tires as I kept spinning out when driving in the snow (February 2010)
• March Madness- didn't really watch it, too busy rocking out hardcore!!!!!! (March 2010)
• Celebrated St. Patrick's Day by wearing a green shirt which said "I'm Not Irish, and I'm Not Wearing Green Because of Your Holiday. I Wear Green to Hide a Medical Condition" (March 2010)
• Celebrated April Fools by playing jokes on everyone on the last day of March (March 2010)
• Happy Birthday St. Hubbins! (April 2010)
• Rocked out Hardcore!!!! (April 2010)
• Took a lovely stroll in the park trying to get hay fever from the pollen- it didn't work, so I had to go to work instead of calling in sick (April 2010)
• Still contemplated getting snow tires on my car in light of the April snow showers I kept spinning out in (April 2010)
• Noticed the May flowers were all killed by the April show showers (May 2010)
• Had a realization that had I hibernated through the winter I would have really had to pee when I woke up in the spring- was grateful I didn't hibernate. Celebrated by rocking out hardcore! (May 2010)
• Went north to the Tetons intending to take a picture of a bear and an eagle fighting over a fish. (June 2010)
• Sought solace in Jackson Hole after failing to get my picture of the eagle and bear fighting over a fish- looked up and saw a statue of that exact thing (June 2010)
• Celebrated by rocking out hardcore!!!!! (June 2010)
• After witnessing mass flooding due to accelerated spring snowmelt, felt really glad I didn't hibernate, as my post-hibernation bathroom session would have tripled the amount of spring runoff and wiped out half the city (June 2010)
  
• Happy 4th of July America, celebrated by blowing up a portion of this great land with fireworks obtained in Kabul Afghanistan. (July 2010)
• Traveled to Evanston, Wyoming to quell an uprising of angry fireworks dealers who were offended their sales dropped drastically this 4th of July when I opted to buy Afghan fireworks instead of their Chinese made bottle rockets. (July 2010)
• Rocked out hardcore!!!!!! (July 2010)
• Fell in love with a beautiful woman and wrote a very Un-St. Hubbinish song having been inspired by her. It was Un-St. Hubbinish in that it had no distortion, and it did not suck. (August 2010)
• Finally got those snow tires! (August 2010)
  
• The song was well received which prompted me to rock out hardcore!!!!!!! (August 2010)
• Read a pamphlet entitled "Long Lists and You; Why You Should Write One." Celebrated by rocking out hardcore, then putting this list on several napkins and submitting it for posting on this blog. (August 2010)"

As you can see, St. Hubbins has been a busy man! With all the rocking out hardcore, it is easy to see why he couldn't kill any pigeons. As Carsenio St. Hubbins now says, "Why worry about shiny cars when you can rock out hardcore while being in love?" Truly St. Hubbins is growing up; is the world ready?

St. Hubbins and the Shiny Car Initiative

Carsenio St. Hubbins has finally found his cause. In his previous posting, St. Hubbins was considering a life of political and social activism as a means of legitimizing his attempts at rock stardom. Devotees to this blog (or at least to the previous entry) will recall his desire to avoid any mainstream causes. As a result of this, he will not be doing anything pertaining to Africa, Polar Bears, Autism or other causes which either already have ample representation from the mainstream rock community or would get him invited to hang with the other Trendees at an Obama celebration. For the definition of Trendee, see the note at the end of the posting. After careful deliberation, St. Hubbins has declared his cause. From henceforth it shall be known as the "Shiny Car Initiative."

The origins of the Shiny Car Initiative are based on an agonizing experience which St. Hubbins unintentionally walked into. As he parked his car for work last week, Carsenio had no idea he had parked in a pigeon-heavy zone. Upon returning to his car after a day of fun at work, he was upset to see not just one bird-turd on his car, but upwards of ten to fifteen turds. He honestly could not number the turds as looking at them was quite painful (and nauseating) for him. Noticing the guilty parties were nowhere in sight, Carsenio was resigned to stew over the humiliation he would face driving home with a car covered in bird poo. As he shamefully commuted home, St. Hubbins realized he had found his cause- if the offending pigeons would have been eradicated previously, his car would still be shiny and he would not have to be sunken so deeply in his drivers seat (it was getting hard to see the road so great was his shame). Thus, it was determined the driving force behind the Shiny Car Initiative would be pigeon extermination.

Just like he has done with previous public stances, St. Hubbins hasn't bothered to consider the negative ramifications the Shiny Car Initiative could cause if enacted fully. He chooses not to consider any negative ramifications because when he commits to a particular side of an issue in the world of St. Hubbins, there are no negative ramifications. In his world, St. Hubbins views things mathematically. Carsenio's equations for the Shiny Car Initiative could be defined as follows:
Pigeons=Poop.
Poop + St. Hubbins' Car=Commuter Humiliation.
A Shiny Car=No Commuter Humiliation.
Therefore, No Pigeons=No Poop and thus, a Shiny Car.

St. Hubbins could care less that pigeons are not the only flying poopers out there, they just happen to be the ones who really make him mad. He has long considered pigeons to be the equivalent of flying rats. During his time in England and Wales, Carsenio noted how many of the town centres he visited were overrun with one particular type of winged fowl- pigeons. On the window ledge outside of one of his flats in England, there was a large assortment of pigeons as well as the same mementos they would later leave on his car. Conveniently at that time, St. Hubbins had a pellet gun. One might say he has already attempted pigeon eradication. It worked quite well, so Carsenio St. Hubbins can proudly declare to the whole world that he knows the Shiny Car Initiative will succeed.

As his previous posting closed with a non-specific political statement, St. Hubbins has authorized me to release a more specific (yet still somewhat non-specific) statement:
"Every unspecified time period, uncounted numbers of people have to deal with unsightly, unshiny cars. While many of them are just too lazy to wash their cars, a portion of these peoples' automobiles are tainted by uncleanliness from above- pigeon crap. Failure on our part to stop pigeon crap could be disastrous to anyone having to drive home with a dirty car and could lead to traffic accidents due to obstructed visibility due to smudged pigeon feces which the windshield wipers could not remove. I pledge to do my part to be more active in stopping pigeon crap by eradicating as many pigeons as I can. Together, we or just I can initiate shinier cars and safer roads by killing the pigeons. Thus, I am pleased to announce the formation of the Shiny Car Initiative to enact this positive social change. By pledging to this initiative you will be helping usher human society into a brave new world- a world without pigeons and all their crap. Thank you for your support, Carsenio St. Hubbins."

Further details will no doubt emerge as St. Hubbins thinks of them. For now, just take his word for it that this is going to be the coolest cause ever- until Carsenio finds something else more attractive to occupy his time with.

NOTE: As mentioned way at the top of this posting, a definition of one of St. Hubbins' favorite made-up words was promised. Here it is:
TRENDEE (Trennn-deeee): 1) One who trends, i.e. one who matches his actions with what most everyone else is doing taking no thought for himself or standard decency. 2) Often one whose monetary compensation is regularly expended on updating their fashion and music possessions once the predetermined cyclical trend shift of society dictates it. Similar to Pavlov's dogs, except mostly without the salivating. 3) One who takes no thought for individualism, only one who wants to be a pathetic sheep following the herd. 4) One whom advertisers and politicians generally target. 5) One who wakes up at the butt crack of dawn for a place in line to be the first to buy the newest iPhone. 6) One who tweets extensively. Lastly, one who follows the trend in voting for the most popular candidate without looking at qualifications, platform or principle or one who casts a straight party-line vote. One who considers not voting for the winner a wasted vote. Thanks to Trendees following the proddings of the media, our last several Presidential elections have boiled down to choosing the lesser of two evils as opposed to having an actual good candidate in place.

St. Hubbins Joining the Political Arena?

Being an avid wannabe rock star, Carsenio St. Hubbins is considering political activism as a valid way to prove he is a legitimate rock star. He struggled of course with the question of whether a true rock star would even enter the political arena. Looking at those from the musical realm who are politically active, he couldn't help but wonder if perhaps those stars are not rock stars but merely pop stars. When thinking of this distinction his mind was filled with images of Bono and Coldplay and their political stances and activism. Carsenio truthfully struggled for at least five minutes debating whether these two could be considered rock stars. According to The Carsenio St. Hubbins Dictionary (yet to be compiled and published), a rock star is defined as "one who rocks" whereas a pop star is defined as "someone who is popular who does not rock and since they are popular could by default mean they truly suck." St. Hubbins' feelings on pop culture will be addressed at some time in the future. Honestly, Carsenio does think Bono can rock and in spite of their immense popularity he still loves U2- probably the most mainstream St. Hubbins will ever go. He has to be careful though when he mentions he loves U2- he always mentions their best stuff was in the Zooropa and Pop eras when they were at their weirdest just so people don't think St. Hubbins condones U2's more mainstream efforts. With that, St. Hubbins has granted me permission to return to topic.

While struggling with whether he could be a rock star and a political activist at the same time, he remembered the example of Ted Nugent and his pro-firearm activism. Ted Nugent is one guy St. Hubbins would define a rock star in his dictionary although St. Hubbins likes his politics more than his music. Carsenio also recalled the VH1 ads with many rock and pop stars lobbying to find a cure for autism and realized if they can do it so can he. Seeing rock stars like Dio, Roger Daltrey, Dee Snyder and pop stars like KISS all doing it really drove it home for St. Hubbins.

Having now decided he will become more politically active, now all St. Hubbins needs to do is choose a platform. He will certainly not go with anything that is currently popular so you won't see St. Hubbins promoting being Green, free trade, aid for Africa or curing autism. Rather, he is going to take a more Nugentesque approach and lobby for things which could be deemed outside the box. He is considering lobbying for the reversal of NAFTA (sticking it to those free trade promoting communists also known as Coldplay), or for throwing the United Nations off our soil and turning their building into a giant outhouse for the homeless. He is also currently considering lobbying for promoting less diversity and repealing political correctness as it is growing to the point that even his breathing will soon be considered politically incorrect. Other options include developing a strain of AIDS to control the pigeon population, vaccinating children so they won't get Cooties when they go to school, and declaring Michael Moore a danger to our nation and imprisoning him at Guantanamo. Of course if you have any causes he should promote please send him your suggestions. Carsenio St. Hubbins has pledged he will consider all suggestions and promises not to mock any of them- publicly that is.

In closing, Carsenio has provided this written statement from his own napkin:
"Every unspecified time period, uncounted numbers of people or other living or non-living things have to deal with some sort of social or other type of issue which has to be stopped or promoted depending on whether it is good or bad for the unspecified parties involved, animate or inanimate. Failure on our part to stop or promote these social issues could be disastrous or beneficial to this unspecified geographical area or to the unspecified entities which reside therein. I pledge to do my part to be more active in this arena so our children can live or not live in a better unspecified geographical area. Together, or divided if the cause requires it, we or just I can initiate change or maintain the status -quo, depending on the issue. Thank you for your support, Carsenio St. Hubbins"
He has promised when he decides on a cause he will issue a more specific statement. Carsenio hopes in the meantime the above statement will suffice until he has a cause to be politically active in. Stay tuned for further updates.

St. Hubbins and the March Mustache Madness

As you may have read in Carsenio St. Hubbins' previous post, he had joined with his distinguished colleagues at work in growing mustaches. Having won the Dirty Mustache component of the competition, he went home and shaved it off- but not before sporting the mustache with some of his favorite rock poses. He is pleased to bring you some of the better gems of his recent photo session.

In the above photo, St. Hubbins is definitely feeling the flow of musical creativity his mustache is bringing. He is savoring every note coming from his black Ibanez in front of his savory bass guitar.

Above: It is not very often St. Hubbins lets you see the whites of his eyes, but through the glasses you can definitely see them. He secretely hopes the mustache will draw attention away from his eyes. If the mustache doesn't work, hopefully the fact he's standing in front of the Union Jack will distract you as you sing "Rue Britannia."

Below: St. Hubbins is very serious about maintaining a spectacular guitar tone. In this photo, he is closely inspecting his wall of sound in hopes the mustache and soul patch can make it sound sweeter. He seems quite pleased as he plays his gold Ibanez JS2000. Below, St. Hubbins offers a serious pucker for all you ladies out there. Included in the picture (assuming you can draw your eyes away from his stunning facial hair) are his electronic drum system and his triumphant guitar tripod stand.
Above: St. Hubbins offers a tender acoustic rendering of a song to win fans from the fence sitters who aren't sure if they like rock. He figures doing some acoustic will sell more albums should he ever finish an album.

It was truly a mad mustache March. St. Hubbins is grateful to everyone who made it possible for him to win the dirty mustache award at work. He is especially indebted to his genes, which provide such incredibily uneven facial hair growth for enjoyment of one and all. Until next time, Carsenio St. Hubbins wishes you well and best wishes in growing your own mustaches.

March Mustache Madness Is Upon Us

Welcome, friends, to March Mustache Madness in the Wonderful World of Carsenio St. Hubbins. Having been a longtime proponent of simulated facial hair (i.e. eyelash makeup brushed across one's face), St. Hubbins was challenged by his distinguished colleagues at his place of employment to unite with them in growing mustaches during the month of March. Being a bit of a babyface, St. Hubbins wasn't sure he could even grow a mustache. If he could, he reasoned it would likely be a "dirty 'stache." In light of the patchy growth his face is known for, St. Hubbins feared his mustache may grow in with natural bald spots and look like a Vanilla Ice haircut running across his top lip. Fear no more friends- St. Hubbins has not only grown a mustache, but it is exceedingly dirty and more solid than he could have imagined. Carsenio St. Hubbins has never been prouder- or itchier.
To add balance to the force that is his mustache, St. Hubbins elected to also grow a mustache below his lower lip. He had the dream of being able to suck in his lips and just have a massive hairry "entity" on his face where his mouth would ordinarily be. Unfortunately the facial bald spots hit him hard in the southern hemisphere of his face, so he had to settle for a soul patch. He would have considered a goatee had he been able to grow it, but alas it was not possible. Still- you should see the 'stache. It is ridiculous.
St. Hubbins was hoping to grow some nice sideburns as well, but he can only grow sideburns behind his ears unfortunately. With the mullet, you wouldn't even know the sideburns are there. In light of this fact, he really has no regret at not having good sideburns. In addition to his other facial hair options, St. Hubbins was considering growing out his nose and ear hair, just because he can. Due to the risk of fire involved with the nose-hair trimmers generating massive amounts of friction while pruning the mighty forest, he elected not to grow out his nose or ear hair at this juncture.
Being a man who never moves forward without a solid action plan (i.e. scribbling something out on a napkin a moment before doing it), St. Hubbins drew some samples of what his facial hair could look like were he to pursue these different avenues. Assuming he didn't accidentally dispose of the napkins with the rest of his fast food lunch, it is hoped he will allow the prototypes to be posted here. Do stay tuned, because true hilarity could await you if the precious drawings can be found. If nothing else, it is hoped that St. Hubbins will allow his likeness to be depicted in the form of digital photography for your viewing pleasure. It his hoped that before the month is over, there will quality imagery of the St. Hubbins 'Stache on this blog. In the meantime, Carsenio St. Hubbins wishes you all a very happy March Mustache Madness season.

St. Hubbins' Plans for the Holidays

Carsenio St. Hubbins loves the holidays. So many of his greatest triumphs have taken place during this time of year. One year he was able to donate an old car that used to be his to an underpriviledged family in his neighborhood. All he had to do was track down the dishonest illegal immigrant he sold it to, have him deported and take possession of the car to make it happen. The details have been preserved in The Adventures of St. Hubbins Part I: The Christmas Lemon. The next year he decided to spread holiday cheer around his neighborhood by sharing some of his favorite Christmas carols with those not of his belief system. He was irritated that so few Christmas songs can be played in public places for fear of offending someone who doesn't believe in Jesus. Rather than violently lash out at these people, all he did was do some solo caroling at their doorstep. Among the casualties of that evening were an environmentalist couple who didn't like his rendition of "O Christmas Tree," a grumpy old Jewish couple who didn't like his rendition of "Have a Holly Jolly Christmas", and a gay couple who literally knocked themselves out to his rendition of "Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer." There were other tunes sung that night, but Carsenio doesn't wish to bore you. A touching detail of that evening is captured in The Adventures of St. Hubbins Part II: The Caroler. It by no means is offensive to any minority, assuming that minority lives in St. Hubbins' land of make-believe. The past two years he has celebrated the season by inciting riots in various shopping establishments by pushing the limits of supply and demand. His first year of trying this he created bedlam at the grocery store he was employed at by deliberately withholding holiday turkeys during busy periods then putting several pallets out at one time. The rush of people scrapping and fighting for the best bird created quite the adrenaline rush for Carsenio St. Hubbins. He was able to prove that given the proper circumstances, rational human beings could be turned into animals. The next year, being so fedup with materialistic holiday shoppers, he created a stampede at a local retailer by leading shoppers to believe several pallets of the hard to get video game consol of the season were going to be stocked in the store's glassware department. When everything was said and done, the broken glass on the floor glimmered in the flourescent lighting like moonlight shining upon a freshly fallen snow. The exciting details of these blessed events are captured in The Adventures of St. Hubbins Part IV: Welcome to the Holiday Jungle.
Having such an illustrious history of illuminating holiday exploits already recorded in his Book of Remembrance, Carsenio St. Hubbins is left to ponder what he can do this year to keep pace with years past. What can he do to meet or exceed the high standard of deviousness he has come to expect from himself? After so many holiday shopping tragedies in the news, he is reluctant to start another shopping riot this year. Besides, he feels he has already been there and done that- he wants a challenge. He has considered something involving giving or taking from the homeless, but feels it is something he should probably leave to someone less distinguished. In all his holiday exploits, there has been a certain amount of class exhibited as he went about offending the offendable. He has also considered putting up an elaborate Christmas light display on his house using extension cords to plug it into the power outlets of one of his neighbors he doesn't care for. He is thinking he could call the story How Long Until They Notice? He really is in a pickle this year, and he really doesn't like pickles. One area he really hasn't messed with yet is New Years, but how to mess with everyone's clocks so nobody knows when the New Year actually begins? Can you imagine an hour of pots clanging, crowds singing, partygoers kissing everything in sight and various municipalities doing their fireworks displays at different times? St. Hubbins can- he's going to look into it, once he gets a good pair of earplugs.
If you have any ideas or suggestions feel free to share them with St. Hubbins. He promises that while he will take credit for your idea, you will receive treasures in Heaven for your generosity this holiday season.
Be assured- when the moment strikes him and he makes his move this year, you will be the first to hear about it. Hopefully you won't be among the ones who experience it. In the meantime, Season's Greetings- oh and stay away from a certain big box store located in a certain location at a certain time- Carsenio may have a certain something brewing just in time of the holidays.