From the Archives of St. Hubbins Volume 1

Recently an unfinished document written around the time of Halloween 2010 was discovered and relayed to me (Matt Macey) by our beloved friend St. Hubbins. While it is not anywhere near Halloween, I was authorized to release this lost volume from the St. Hubbins Archives. It is incomplete and gratefully I was given what to say on a very large napkin. The Sharpie ink was still fresh from the hand of the man himself. Enjoy!

"Carsenio St. Hubbins is a solitary fellow. He's never been one to linger in one place for long; he is restless. Although he doesn't appear in person very often, it doesn't mean he hides out in one place. He has an impressive portfolio of real estate holdings dotting the land, which he moves between at various times of the year. His main compound, called "Hubbinswood," is a safe haven located in a yet to be disclosed rural setting away from the hustle and bustle of the city. He also has a compound in Colorado City, Arizona which he uses to scientifically observe Polygamists in their native habitat.

To blend in, St. Hubbins has had to keep the exteriors of the various buildings on the property unfinished in order to fit with the other seemingly unfinished buildings in the town. He affectionately calls the property "Carsenio's Tax Shelter," as it turns out the unfinished building look in the town is the natives' way to evade taxes. As the photo below demonstrates, fitting in has forced him to alter his wardrobe significantly and to alter his mullet to a grey pioneer style hairdo to blend in. St Hubbins finds it an enjoyable place to film his own BBC-style documentary "St. Hubbins Amongst the Polygamists" which will be coming soon to a station near you. Fortunately his presence among them has so far gone undetected and his facial hair sadly fit right in with the other women in town. He has grown tired of being hit on by Warren Jeffs, but that is another story altogether.

Recently, Carsenio St. Hubbins emerged from his solitary existence to make his annual Halloween appearance. Onlookers noticed his trademark unkempt mullet, aviator sunglasses, red bandanna, well worn Van Halen concert T-Shirt and his black guitar. This year though, many noticed that St. Hubbins arms were covered with tattoos. Could it be that St. Hubbins got ink?
Not exactly.
Carsenio St. Hubbins has been faced with a moral dilemma for some time - he could attempt to be a non-inked wannabe butt rocker or be a more legit looking wannabe butt rocker by sporting ink. One thing is unequivocal in his moral code: he is not a proponent of putting permanent marks on his body. He was once quoted referring to himself in third-person as saying, "Carsenio St. Hubbins is not a proponent of putting permanent marks on his body- it is an unequivocal statute of his moral code." St. Hubbins did however acknowledge that those who sport ink have more legitimacy in looking like butt rockers than those who don't. His exact quote was , "St. Hubbins acknowledges that those who sport ink have more legitimacy in looking like butt rockers than those who don't." To aid his legitimacy, he attempted to give himself temporary ink by using his beloved Sharpie magic markers, but found it difficult to ink those hard to reach places on the back of his arms. Believing himself to be a clever artist, St. Hubbins didn't dare let someone else color on him lest they color outside the lines and make him look childish. Likewise, he didn't feel like he could afford temporary tattoos as he was flat out of quarters when he walked by the vending machine that sold them. Besides, he didn't feel like Spongebob Squarepants or Elmo temporary tats would have helped him look legitimate had he been able to buy them. Imagine his relief when he found out about a way to have the look without the permanent inking!

Carsenio St. Hubbins will be forever grateful to his beautiful fiancee' (now his wife) who told him about a revolution in temporary tattooing. As it turns out, you can go to a costume store and buy mesh sleeves with tattoo imprints on them. St. Hubbins had no idea this kind of technology existed! He was elated to say the least. In his own words, "Carsenio St. Hubbins is elated to say the least!" All he had to do was put the sleeves on and bam- he had rock credibility in a way he never had before.

His joy was short lived, however, when the sleeves kept rolling up. It was an exercise in high maintenance to keep his ink from getting crinkled up. Looking at his wrinkled sleeves at one point, St. Hubbins said, "Look at these blumin' tats, St. Hubbins' arms look like the arms of a tattooed old woman who went saggy and wrinkly." On top of the constant rolling up, Carsenio found the mesh sleeves an irritant to his sensitive skin. He figures he lost a thousand or so arm hairs that night as well- some of which are still embedded in the fibers of the mesh that turned out to be not so revolutionary as he thought. "Revolting is a more fitting word, not revolutionary," Carsenio said.

St. Hubbins believes tattoos are a mistake- they are so permanent. He acknowledges that not all people feel the same way he does. He was quoted as saying, "St. Hubbins acknowledges that not all people feel the same way St. Hubbins does about tattoos. Some find great joy in them and I wish those people the very best when they realize it was a huge mistake later in life and want to get them removed." Carsenio also believes fake tattoos like the sleeves he bought are a mistake. "It's all fine and good when you first get the fake ink- you feel cool and empowered and you don't have to use a laser to take them off at the end of the night. Then the sleeves roll up and pinch your skin, rip your arm hair off and turn your furry arms into smooth un-Hubbinish appendages. These things should not be!"

Perhaps someday the technology will exist to create a fake tattoo sleeve that is not made of a skin irritant. Until that time, Carsenio St. Hubbins will continue to roll without ink. He only hopes that he will continue to be respected and feared as a legitimate rock powerhouse without having to get ink to give himself more credibility. Until next time, St. Hubbins shall return to Carsenio's Tax Shelter in Colorado City and see what the natives are up to without Warren Jeffs around. This may well prove fascinating!"