St. Hubbins and the Shiny Car Initiative

Carsenio St. Hubbins has finally found his cause. In his previous posting, St. Hubbins was considering a life of political and social activism as a means of legitimizing his attempts at rock stardom. Devotees to this blog (or at least to the previous entry) will recall his desire to avoid any mainstream causes. As a result of this, he will not be doing anything pertaining to Africa, Polar Bears, Autism or other causes which either already have ample representation from the mainstream rock community or would get him invited to hang with the other Trendees at an Obama celebration. For the definition of Trendee, see the note at the end of the posting. After careful deliberation, St. Hubbins has declared his cause. From henceforth it shall be known as the "Shiny Car Initiative."

The origins of the Shiny Car Initiative are based on an agonizing experience which St. Hubbins unintentionally walked into. As he parked his car for work last week, Carsenio had no idea he had parked in a pigeon-heavy zone. Upon returning to his car after a day of fun at work, he was upset to see not just one bird-turd on his car, but upwards of ten to fifteen turds. He honestly could not number the turds as looking at them was quite painful (and nauseating) for him. Noticing the guilty parties were nowhere in sight, Carsenio was resigned to stew over the humiliation he would face driving home with a car covered in bird poo. As he shamefully commuted home, St. Hubbins realized he had found his cause- if the offending pigeons would have been eradicated previously, his car would still be shiny and he would not have to be sunken so deeply in his drivers seat (it was getting hard to see the road so great was his shame). Thus, it was determined the driving force behind the Shiny Car Initiative would be pigeon extermination.

Just like he has done with previous public stances, St. Hubbins hasn't bothered to consider the negative ramifications the Shiny Car Initiative could cause if enacted fully. He chooses not to consider any negative ramifications because when he commits to a particular side of an issue in the world of St. Hubbins, there are no negative ramifications. In his world, St. Hubbins views things mathematically. Carsenio's equations for the Shiny Car Initiative could be defined as follows:
Pigeons=Poop.
Poop + St. Hubbins' Car=Commuter Humiliation.
A Shiny Car=No Commuter Humiliation.
Therefore, No Pigeons=No Poop and thus, a Shiny Car.

St. Hubbins could care less that pigeons are not the only flying poopers out there, they just happen to be the ones who really make him mad. He has long considered pigeons to be the equivalent of flying rats. During his time in England and Wales, Carsenio noted how many of the town centres he visited were overrun with one particular type of winged fowl- pigeons. On the window ledge outside of one of his flats in England, there was a large assortment of pigeons as well as the same mementos they would later leave on his car. Conveniently at that time, St. Hubbins had a pellet gun. One might say he has already attempted pigeon eradication. It worked quite well, so Carsenio St. Hubbins can proudly declare to the whole world that he knows the Shiny Car Initiative will succeed.

As his previous posting closed with a non-specific political statement, St. Hubbins has authorized me to release a more specific (yet still somewhat non-specific) statement:
"Every unspecified time period, uncounted numbers of people have to deal with unsightly, unshiny cars. While many of them are just too lazy to wash their cars, a portion of these peoples' automobiles are tainted by uncleanliness from above- pigeon crap. Failure on our part to stop pigeon crap could be disastrous to anyone having to drive home with a dirty car and could lead to traffic accidents due to obstructed visibility due to smudged pigeon feces which the windshield wipers could not remove. I pledge to do my part to be more active in stopping pigeon crap by eradicating as many pigeons as I can. Together, we or just I can initiate shinier cars and safer roads by killing the pigeons. Thus, I am pleased to announce the formation of the Shiny Car Initiative to enact this positive social change. By pledging to this initiative you will be helping usher human society into a brave new world- a world without pigeons and all their crap. Thank you for your support, Carsenio St. Hubbins."

Further details will no doubt emerge as St. Hubbins thinks of them. For now, just take his word for it that this is going to be the coolest cause ever- until Carsenio finds something else more attractive to occupy his time with.

NOTE: As mentioned way at the top of this posting, a definition of one of St. Hubbins' favorite made-up words was promised. Here it is:
TRENDEE (Trennn-deeee): 1) One who trends, i.e. one who matches his actions with what most everyone else is doing taking no thought for himself or standard decency. 2) Often one whose monetary compensation is regularly expended on updating their fashion and music possessions once the predetermined cyclical trend shift of society dictates it. Similar to Pavlov's dogs, except mostly without the salivating. 3) One who takes no thought for individualism, only one who wants to be a pathetic sheep following the herd. 4) One whom advertisers and politicians generally target. 5) One who wakes up at the butt crack of dawn for a place in line to be the first to buy the newest iPhone. 6) One who tweets extensively. Lastly, one who follows the trend in voting for the most popular candidate without looking at qualifications, platform or principle or one who casts a straight party-line vote. One who considers not voting for the winner a wasted vote. Thanks to Trendees following the proddings of the media, our last several Presidential elections have boiled down to choosing the lesser of two evils as opposed to having an actual good candidate in place.

St. Hubbins Joining the Political Arena?

Being an avid wannabe rock star, Carsenio St. Hubbins is considering political activism as a valid way to prove he is a legitimate rock star. He struggled of course with the question of whether a true rock star would even enter the political arena. Looking at those from the musical realm who are politically active, he couldn't help but wonder if perhaps those stars are not rock stars but merely pop stars. When thinking of this distinction his mind was filled with images of Bono and Coldplay and their political stances and activism. Carsenio truthfully struggled for at least five minutes debating whether these two could be considered rock stars. According to The Carsenio St. Hubbins Dictionary (yet to be compiled and published), a rock star is defined as "one who rocks" whereas a pop star is defined as "someone who is popular who does not rock and since they are popular could by default mean they truly suck." St. Hubbins' feelings on pop culture will be addressed at some time in the future. Honestly, Carsenio does think Bono can rock and in spite of their immense popularity he still loves U2- probably the most mainstream St. Hubbins will ever go. He has to be careful though when he mentions he loves U2- he always mentions their best stuff was in the Zooropa and Pop eras when they were at their weirdest just so people don't think St. Hubbins condones U2's more mainstream efforts. With that, St. Hubbins has granted me permission to return to topic.

While struggling with whether he could be a rock star and a political activist at the same time, he remembered the example of Ted Nugent and his pro-firearm activism. Ted Nugent is one guy St. Hubbins would define a rock star in his dictionary although St. Hubbins likes his politics more than his music. Carsenio also recalled the VH1 ads with many rock and pop stars lobbying to find a cure for autism and realized if they can do it so can he. Seeing rock stars like Dio, Roger Daltrey, Dee Snyder and pop stars like KISS all doing it really drove it home for St. Hubbins.

Having now decided he will become more politically active, now all St. Hubbins needs to do is choose a platform. He will certainly not go with anything that is currently popular so you won't see St. Hubbins promoting being Green, free trade, aid for Africa or curing autism. Rather, he is going to take a more Nugentesque approach and lobby for things which could be deemed outside the box. He is considering lobbying for the reversal of NAFTA (sticking it to those free trade promoting communists also known as Coldplay), or for throwing the United Nations off our soil and turning their building into a giant outhouse for the homeless. He is also currently considering lobbying for promoting less diversity and repealing political correctness as it is growing to the point that even his breathing will soon be considered politically incorrect. Other options include developing a strain of AIDS to control the pigeon population, vaccinating children so they won't get Cooties when they go to school, and declaring Michael Moore a danger to our nation and imprisoning him at Guantanamo. Of course if you have any causes he should promote please send him your suggestions. Carsenio St. Hubbins has pledged he will consider all suggestions and promises not to mock any of them- publicly that is.

In closing, Carsenio has provided this written statement from his own napkin:
"Every unspecified time period, uncounted numbers of people or other living or non-living things have to deal with some sort of social or other type of issue which has to be stopped or promoted depending on whether it is good or bad for the unspecified parties involved, animate or inanimate. Failure on our part to stop or promote these social issues could be disastrous or beneficial to this unspecified geographical area or to the unspecified entities which reside therein. I pledge to do my part to be more active in this arena so our children can live or not live in a better unspecified geographical area. Together, or divided if the cause requires it, we or just I can initiate change or maintain the status -quo, depending on the issue. Thank you for your support, Carsenio St. Hubbins"
He has promised when he decides on a cause he will issue a more specific statement. Carsenio hopes in the meantime the above statement will suffice until he has a cause to be politically active in. Stay tuned for further updates.

St. Hubbins and the March Mustache Madness

As you may have read in Carsenio St. Hubbins' previous post, he had joined with his distinguished colleagues at work in growing mustaches. Having won the Dirty Mustache component of the competition, he went home and shaved it off- but not before sporting the mustache with some of his favorite rock poses. He is pleased to bring you some of the better gems of his recent photo session.

In the above photo, St. Hubbins is definitely feeling the flow of musical creativity his mustache is bringing. He is savoring every note coming from his black Ibanez in front of his savory bass guitar.

Above: It is not very often St. Hubbins lets you see the whites of his eyes, but through the glasses you can definitely see them. He secretely hopes the mustache will draw attention away from his eyes. If the mustache doesn't work, hopefully the fact he's standing in front of the Union Jack will distract you as you sing "Rue Britannia."

Below: St. Hubbins is very serious about maintaining a spectacular guitar tone. In this photo, he is closely inspecting his wall of sound in hopes the mustache and soul patch can make it sound sweeter. He seems quite pleased as he plays his gold Ibanez JS2000. Below, St. Hubbins offers a serious pucker for all you ladies out there. Included in the picture (assuming you can draw your eyes away from his stunning facial hair) are his electronic drum system and his triumphant guitar tripod stand.
Above: St. Hubbins offers a tender acoustic rendering of a song to win fans from the fence sitters who aren't sure if they like rock. He figures doing some acoustic will sell more albums should he ever finish an album.

It was truly a mad mustache March. St. Hubbins is grateful to everyone who made it possible for him to win the dirty mustache award at work. He is especially indebted to his genes, which provide such incredibily uneven facial hair growth for enjoyment of one and all. Until next time, Carsenio St. Hubbins wishes you well and best wishes in growing your own mustaches.

March Mustache Madness Is Upon Us

Welcome, friends, to March Mustache Madness in the Wonderful World of Carsenio St. Hubbins. Having been a longtime proponent of simulated facial hair (i.e. eyelash makeup brushed across one's face), St. Hubbins was challenged by his distinguished colleagues at his place of employment to unite with them in growing mustaches during the month of March. Being a bit of a babyface, St. Hubbins wasn't sure he could even grow a mustache. If he could, he reasoned it would likely be a "dirty 'stache." In light of the patchy growth his face is known for, St. Hubbins feared his mustache may grow in with natural bald spots and look like a Vanilla Ice haircut running across his top lip. Fear no more friends- St. Hubbins has not only grown a mustache, but it is exceedingly dirty and more solid than he could have imagined. Carsenio St. Hubbins has never been prouder- or itchier.
To add balance to the force that is his mustache, St. Hubbins elected to also grow a mustache below his lower lip. He had the dream of being able to suck in his lips and just have a massive hairry "entity" on his face where his mouth would ordinarily be. Unfortunately the facial bald spots hit him hard in the southern hemisphere of his face, so he had to settle for a soul patch. He would have considered a goatee had he been able to grow it, but alas it was not possible. Still- you should see the 'stache. It is ridiculous.
St. Hubbins was hoping to grow some nice sideburns as well, but he can only grow sideburns behind his ears unfortunately. With the mullet, you wouldn't even know the sideburns are there. In light of this fact, he really has no regret at not having good sideburns. In addition to his other facial hair options, St. Hubbins was considering growing out his nose and ear hair, just because he can. Due to the risk of fire involved with the nose-hair trimmers generating massive amounts of friction while pruning the mighty forest, he elected not to grow out his nose or ear hair at this juncture.
Being a man who never moves forward without a solid action plan (i.e. scribbling something out on a napkin a moment before doing it), St. Hubbins drew some samples of what his facial hair could look like were he to pursue these different avenues. Assuming he didn't accidentally dispose of the napkins with the rest of his fast food lunch, it is hoped he will allow the prototypes to be posted here. Do stay tuned, because true hilarity could await you if the precious drawings can be found. If nothing else, it is hoped that St. Hubbins will allow his likeness to be depicted in the form of digital photography for your viewing pleasure. It his hoped that before the month is over, there will quality imagery of the St. Hubbins 'Stache on this blog. In the meantime, Carsenio St. Hubbins wishes you all a very happy March Mustache Madness season.